Personal Paradoxes
by AnHeiressofaSOLDIER
Summary: B-day gift for Kutlessrocker. Looking back at her past mistakes, Serah can't help but feel she lost Lightning and Snow as punishment for not appreciating them enough. When she becomes unsure of herself and her path, Noel's there to help show her the way.


**Author's Note: This story has parts from both FFXIII and XIII-2 (XIII-2 being the main one). For those that haven't played the sequel yet, I tried to make the story understandable for such a case. Therefore, I think you should be able to read this. Likewise, there really aren't any spoilers, so I hope you enjoy! It'll all connect eventually. LOL.**

**Personal Paradoxes**

Serah had known from the moment she'd met Vanille that her life would never be the same. She'd bonded very fast with the Oerban girl. Of course, she hadn't known at the time that the ginger haired girl was from Gran Pulse. She also hadn't known that the events Vanille had once set in motion had led to her becoming a L'Cie.

Looking back, Serah wondered if she would have resented Vanille for what she'd done. In the long run, it could be considered her fault that Serah had lost Lightning and then Snow. However, Serah would never really put the thought into account. Lightning had trusted Vanille, and that was enough for her.

She'd never admit it to anyone, but when she'd met Vanille that one time, she'd been reminded of when Lightning was Claire. When she'd been her sister more than her mother. Sure it might have had to do with Vanille's uncanny resemblance to her and her sister, but Serah had found a reason then to play act. To pretend that she was a normal girl with a normal sister (that Vanille was her sister) but for once be the elder one. So she had been there for Vanille. She'd given her advice she'd lived by for a long time. "If it's too much, face it later." Serah wondered when the words had gone from her wanting Lightning to show emotion again someday, to being her view on hardships.

Just like that, Serah had returned to reality. She'd been forced to realize neither one of them were Lightning, and the real version would never take the L'Cie fiasco well. When Vanille left, Serah was faced with a reality she'd tried to help Vanille from. Waking up was never a pleasant thing.

...

"Hey, Lightning? What do you think of this color?"

Unknown to her, Serah was looking at the same magenta she'd wear after losing her sister. If she'd known it at the time, would she still have liked it? Or would the same colored trim on that other dress have mortified her? Where exactly was the line that housed okay reactions, and then the ones that were overkill? Because what did a color really matter on the grand scheme of things? What did it matter that she and her sister had the same color hair as it, but in a different shade? What did it matter that, in a roundabout way, Vanille even had the same color hair? At the moment it meant absolutely nothing, but when Serah looked back at the moment she'd realize how ridiculous it was to have everything remind her of her sister. Then she'd cry some more.

"I think we got enough pink in our gene pool. Why would you want a dress like that Serah? I don't even think wearing something white over it would hide the excessive magenta-ness. I think the pink idea's just a bad one in general. You want to look like the bride rather than the bride's maid, right?"

For a moment, all Serah was able to do was gape at her sister. Without a doubt, that was the longest thing she'd heard her utter in a long time. She then had to smile amusedly at how Lightning's attempt to climb the military ranks had made her want Serah to assert herself by upstaging the bride when she was, in fact, a bridesmaid. Lightning really didn't have any idea about ordinary social graces.

Any other day, Serah would have become downtrodden at the thought. She would have felt distraught for what she'd had to put her sister through. No matter how much Lightning would argue she'd done what she had to do for them to survive after losing their parents, Serah still felt guilt that she couldn't do more. She regretted all the responsibility Lightning was now forced to endure, and she was sad she'd shut away "Claire" completely. But it was oddly this that made Serah love Lightning even more.

"Don't worry, Light. I'm perfectly fine about being second fiddle to our lovely cousin. Now we just need to get your dress all sorted out." And at Lightning's horrified look, how could Serah not laugh at that? Lightning would brave anything, but the thought of clothes terrified her. And she was so pretty, too.

Once again, Serah felt guilt gnawing at her gut, but she pushed it away for their cousin's sake. That and her sister-bonding day with Lightning. Not that Lightning would ever call the day something like that, though. She'd probably protest profusely. And that had Serah throwing her sister funny looks all the way to the checkout counter. Even more so when Lightning continued to grown unhappily. No doubt she was still trying to figure out why they'd been instructed to look pretty, but not too pretty.

...

Snow had never told anyone, but after Lightning had mentioned seeing images of him and Serah at the Nutriculture Complex, Snow had wanted to go there and see if he could see Serah, too. He wished to talk to her. To ask her what she thought they should do. He'd just seen Hope gain his eidolon, and his path was now clear, but Snow felt more lost than ever. He'd come to understand that the eidolons were there to help them on their way, but he couldn't help but feel he'd gotten his too soon. He was so conflicted now. When he'd obtained his summon of the Sisters, he hadn't been nearly as lost. So when he slept that night, he sought a way to reach Serah. And though it wasn't the direct approach he'd wanted, it was enough.

_That night, Snow dreamed of Serah. He dreamed that he was seeing her in the very plains they now resided in. She was as beautiful, and good, as ever. But he knew her well enough to note the troubled expression on her face. "You miss Lightning."_

_It didn't come out as a question, but rather a statement. Snow had often felt Serah noticed the absence of her sister. Even before things had gone to hell, Lightning wasn't really there for Serah anymore. She instead chose to work more than spend anytime with the lonely girl. Snow had thought more than once that their shared loneliness might have been why they were perfect together. They were both orphans, but now Serah was losing the one thing she really had left. All Snow and Serah could do, then, was to be each other's pillar of strength._

_Serah cried out, as she shot forward and hugged Snow to her. She cried the slightest bit, and Snow wished that she didn't have to. It seemed that whenever they were together now, Serah always had reason to cry. If he could have, Snow would have made it so Serah never had any reason to be upset again, but as it was... he couldn't. Even now she was out of his reach. This was just a dream. A dream, that even at the moment, he knew he'd have to wake up from. "Serah, how am I supposed to save you? How am I supposed to help you when I can't even help myself?"_

_Almost surprising Snow, Serah walked away from him and faced him with a smile. It was so contradictory to everything he'd just been feeling, what she'd just been feeling, that he had to stifle a gasp. He had thought this Serah was just a figment of his imagination, but was she? Why did she seem to be able to show him the way? "Snow, you do it all yourself. You formed NORA, a group that Lightning had always been against, but I saw why you created it. With NORA, you could do anything. You could change the world. Do you expect me to believe that sentiment's changed now? These people are more lost than we are. Slaves to the easy life the Fal'Cie created for them. The only way is to free them from their power. And Lightning... Light needs to be freed from her responsibility."_

_"Serah?" Snow watched, as Serah seemed to age right before his eyes. Her outfit changed, she looked a bit older. And somehow, she seemed to manage the impossible. She looked more assured, but she seemed more broken, too. It didn't take a genius to figure out why. The only time Serah could become so wounded would be if... if she lost him. "Why do I feel like you're talking about something other than our current journey?"_

_"Lightning needs to be freed from her bonds, or time's chains will hold her too tightly. But never lose hope. We'll see each other again. Just like you were always risking yourself to save me, I'll do the same for you."_

_It'd be for that reason that Snow would believe Serah when she told him she wasn't dead. It would be for that reason he'd go off on his own to find her. And it'd be for that reason he knew he'd see Serah again. She had a strength he'd never see in anyone else. Even if she didn't realize it herself yet._

...

_"Were you happy this Snow guy left you?"_

_"What? No! I had a responsibility-"_

_"What about your responsibility to yourself?"_

As much as she'd wanted to at the moment, Serah hadn't been able to hide her hurt at Noel's words. Which, of course, had led to his apologizing. Not that she had wanted that. Quite the contrary. Noel had been right. And she'd needed to hear that. She wouldn't have wanted him to take the words back for a moment. Because, in the end, it was those words that convinced her to journey. To act for herself. It was those words that had awakened the hope that had been long since dead in her. Still, if she had known that Snow had left for her... that the Time Paradoxes had gone back so far... how different would things have been?

"Serah... you seem distracted."

"You've seemed out of it since the labyrinth, kupo."

"Have I?" Serah knew it wasn't much of a response, and that it wouldn't do much to sway Noel and Mog, but she couldn't afford them more of an answer.

It may have been that she was in Oerba that rattled her, but she suddenly wasn't so sure she was doing the right thing. After all, Lightning, Snow, and everyone had come to Gran Pulse when they were L'Cie. They'd gone there in search of answers, but they hadn't found any. In a way they seemed to have only found desolation. Snow had told Serah that Vanille had once said, "Even if we were chasing shadows, our minds were made up. We'd realized along the way that choice was the only thing we had left. Maybe we'll fall short. Maybe we'd never even come close. But, someone, someday, would know we tried."

Serah felt very similar to that at the moment. Mog probably would have insisted the sun (that they'd just recovered by getting rid of the anomaly) was messing with her, but Serah knew it was more than that. It had always been more than that. Kind of like how she'd always had some idea of the future. At least the future she wanted. Did that mean that her memories of Lightning being alive were fake?

She still remembered to that day what she'd told the Oerban Vanille: "If it's too much, face it later." She'd once been so sure of things. And now... now she wasn't. The only problem was she needed to be acting now. She couldn't wait. The longer she did, the more time and space could be thrown off. If she wanted to make it to Valhalla, then she needed to move. Like right now she needed to be looking at that oracle drive, but she just couldn't.

"Actually, I think she's been upset ever since we went to the Eclipse. Seeing a Hope that's ten years older threw you off. Didn't it, Serah?"

As Noel sat down beside her (when had she even sat down?), Serah was taken back to the present. Noel took one of Serah's hands in his own, and held it to comfort her. Immediately, she wanted to rip it away. How could he hold onto her when Snow... when Noel had assumed she didn't care about- How come she wasn't pushing him away? She had the strangest desire to sob for all she'd lost, but mostly for what all she'd set into motion. Like Alyssa. If Serah had never become a L'Cie, the Purge never would have happened.

"It'll be alright, Serah," Noel said as he held Serah in his arms, and let her vent. "We'll find Lightning. And then everything will be okay. You'll see."

Serah had been about to say something, but Mog ended up burrowing into Serah's arms, and the words were lost. The pink haired girl immediately wanted to laugh out loud at Mog's motion, but she fought against it. She did want to be cheered up (more like she needed to be to push forward), but she didn't want her thoughts to leave her, either. Not when they were so important. She felt she might be onto something. So she compromised with herself. She held back her emotions (even when she felt she needed to act on them after being so numb for the members of NORA), and she acted with a matter-of-fact attitude. And somehow, she held onto Noel's hand even then. Even when she was gesturing with her hands. "I just feel like so much is my fault. And not just leaving Hope alone for ten years. If I had known it would be that way for everyone, I might not have gone on this journey. I've hurt enough people-"

"What do you mean you've hurt people?" Noel cut in sternly. Serah knew he was about to argue with her (even when she didn't deserve the kindness from her new friend), but Mog silenced them both.

Mog glided around the area like usual, and Serah was a bit amused about the purple glow that trailed behind the Moogle. If she didn't know better, she would have assumed Mog had found something. But maybe her gift from Lightning was just signaling a new idea. Rather excitedly, Mog leapt into Serah's arms and said, "If you're worried about past events, you should look for a Time Gate, kupo. It's like Noel said, if you stick to your dreams you'll be sure to arrive in a future you want. I think that should be your new solution for problems, kupo."

"You mean I should change the past?" Serah glanced over at Noel to get his opinion, but the youth had taken to standing up, and walking around the area with his hands on his head. Serah watched on rather enthralled. She fought back a giggle at Noel's expense. He was very much like her students: easy to please. Serah had the inclination that it derived from him being so new to being around humans. But, at the same time, she knew he didn't want her to be changing the past. As he'd said, he wouldn't be the same person if it weren't for his troubled past. His goal was to better affect things for the future. So maybe hers should have been, too.

"What exactly do you think's your fault, Serah?" Noel said again, as he strode towards her. This time, Serah knew that Mog wouldn't be able to distract him. He'd read the answer in her eyes if nowhere else. She tried to walk away from him, but he caught onto her gloved hand and kept her from doing so. Serah bit onto her lip in an apprehensive manner. Snow, at least, had known to let her have her privacy at times. To let her sort out her thoughts. Noel didn't seem to have much of a concept for the act. Serah cringed as she once again remembered the words that had cut her deeply, but had started everything. _"Forgive me. But my people don't let each other go that easily."_

"I would say that Vanille started everything, but it was really me. That one time I met her Noel... I pretended she was Lightning. Or more accurately, I pretended she was the sister I wanted. The sister that would understand when I told her I was a L'Cie. I can't help but think my betraying thoughts then are what made me lose her. That I'm being punished for not appreciating Lightning enough. And even though I love Snow... part of me wonders if I was keeping myself from really trying with Lightning by being with him. With him, I didn't feel alone. I could ignore that Lightning seemed to care more about the Guardian Corps than me. All of this really is my fault. I set it all into motion. I may have even encouraged this future by buying a dress similar to this one the meteorite gave me." Serah smiled slightly at Noel then. The last part had been sort of a joke. Because what could an outfit mean, really? But... then again, maybe it could mean more than she thought. Especially if Yuj was right in calling the meteorite a fashion critic. Lightning even had a new look in Valhalla.

"Anyway," Serah continued when she realized she hadn't swayed Noel into thinking she was all right. "How can I hope for a better future when all of that is true? How can I even live with myself? And Snow left for me, too. To find Lightning. Noel... you were right. I wasn't being responsible to myself. I could have avoided all of this."

Mog burrowed into Serah's arms sadly at her plight, but Noel didn't seem touched by her words at all. Instead, he seemed indignant. Serah watched on, a bit annoyed, as Noel walked away to gather himself. He hadn't given her that opportunity. So why should she him? She'd allowed him his secrets when thoughts of the Seeress Yuel had plagued him, but now if he was going to get upset over something he had no right to, when they were her most important thoughts and regrets… "If you think I'm wrong for thinking that, you can just tell me. I've done enough wrong already. I can take it. You don't have to pretend for my sake-"

"_Serah_," Noel groaned, as he whirled around and put his arms on her shoulders. Serah didn't so much as gasp at the contact then she did his eyes on her own. This time, she knew she wouldn't be able to escape the truth in his eyes. She wasn't entirely sure she was ready for it. Especially since she'd had three years to think of such things and commit herself to them.

In a way, her thoughts and guilt had become the only thing she had left. The only proof that things could have been avoided. That things could change. She hadn't wanted to believe that after her sister and Snow had done so much to challenge fate that it would just get rid of their accomplishments like that. She still didn't want to believe it. If she cast the blame on herself, it was easier to deal with. Like how she'd blamed herself for losing Claire to Lightning. As much as her sister had said her change of name was to get over the death of their parents, Serah knew it was to better protect her.

"You're forgetting to let people be responsible for their own actions again." Once again, Noel's words brought Serah back to the present. But she wasn't entirely sure the present was where she wanted to be. And what did Noel know, anyway? Just because he was "future boy" didn't mean- "Actually, I'm wrong. You took my words too much to heart. You're casting too much blame on yourself."

"You're a very contradictory person," Serah snapped.

"And you're a very misunderstanding person! Snow made his own choice! Lightning has made hers! But that doesn't mean you can't make your own and go to Valhalla to see-"

Noel broke off when Serah began crying again. She meant to run away from him. Perhaps she would have stormed back down the stairs they'd just come from, but she didn't. Mainly because Mog was now standing on those steps and Serah didn't want to step on the Moogle, but also because Noel had wrapped an arm around Serah's waist and was keeping her from bolting. If she had had the strength, she probably would have fought him off, but at the moment, she just didn't have it in her.

"You _are_ strict," Noel laughed slightly, as Serah at least managed to move his arm from around her waist up to her ribs.

Though his stronghold was hurting her more there, Serah was glad for it. "Only one person should be able to hold me around the waist." Well, maybe two people. Serah still held onto the belief that Lightning's congratulations of her and Snow's engagement was real. Lightning had smiled and laughed. She'd hugged her around the waist, and had said "congrats". Serah knew she'd thought the same thing over and over. And each time, she added something else to the memory, but she had to. It was her way of keeping it alive. Of believing it herself. Of...

"Or are you making me hold you more securely because you're afraid I'll leave you?"

Serah knew Noel didn't mean anything by the words, but she had to blush regardless. Even though he'd said it oddly, the fact was that Noel was right in a sense. People had left her her whole life, and she didn't want that anymore. Even if she went to Valhalla, it wouldn't be Lightning returning to her, but Serah chasing her the way she had as a child. When she'd needed Lightning to watch over and protect her after their parents had left them. She knew she wasn't being entirely fair. She knew Lightning had good reason for what she was doing. She always had, and she knew her sister wouldn't have just up and left her.

"I meant what I said to Gadot, Serah. I'll protect you no matter what. And in doing so, I'll stay with you. I'll never leave your side, Serah. We'll find Lightning together. I know you want to see her so much..."

Serah smiled slightly as his last words hit home. Somehow, it was them (more than anything) that assured Serah of Noel's allegiance. How had he known she'd once thought the exact same thing? _But I want to see Lightning so much... _Noel, it would seem, wanted the exact same thing. And in Noel's belief, Serah found her own.

They weren't unlike, her and Noel. They were both alone at the moment, they were both trying to make things better, and if Serah didn't know any better, she'd say Noel had things he regretted, too. Maybe that was why he'd seen to keep her from going through his own transgressions. Serah was once again reminded of how she'd tried to help Vanille through her own mistake.

Serah would no longer say she and Vanille had started it all. She didn't know who did; she might not have even said the Fal'Cie. But she knew who would end it. She finally knew what she needed to do. Oddly enough, it was what Noel had wanted all along. The past was the past and couldn't be changed. It shouldn't have, either. And Serah had a good idea of why all the locations they'd been to, thus far, were the future.

"Come on, Noel," Serah said as she pulled him away from her, but still held onto his hand. "We can change the future." It wouldn't be the last time she said the words.

Serah reached for the oracle drive, and even when Yeul told her not to touch it, Serah was pushed into it, anyway. She wasn't surprised when she saw Lightning in it. Like she'd thought, she was getting closer and closer to her sister, and Noel was there for her every step of the way. And he would catch her if she fell. Serah had to wonder, then, if Noel had once caught someone else the same way. But for once, she didn't wonder what things would have been like if Noel hadn't lost that person. Serah had come to appreciate what she was given, and she was grateful for Noel. Personal paradoxes aside, Serah suddenly felt like she was breathing after being cut off from air for a long time.

When she battled with Noel against Caius, the man who had been fighting her sister, it wasn't hard to figure out why. She felt more alive than ever before. She slightly smiled at Noel, but then returned to her actions so she could reach Lightning.

**Author's Note: First off, happy birthday, Josh! I hope you've had a great one thus far. I'm so thrilled to have known you this last year, and I hope you like this. LOL. I wasn't entirely sure if you played FFXIII-2 yet, but even though the story (mostly) is set in that time period, I tried to make this story understandable for those who haven't played the game. I also tried to keep it spoiler free (not too hard because I haven't gotten that far yet). Anyway, I was going to write you KH, but I'm a little burnt out on it at the moment. And since FFXIII (and XIII-2) is on my mind right now, this was born. LOL. **

**So… I'm not entirely sure what this is, but I like it. I've had writer's block, you see, but I think this might have gotten me out of it. Basically, I wanted to explore the idea of "what if Paradoxes were happening in FFXIII?" which you can see I did here. Serah (and Snow) was sort of predicting and doing things XIII-2 related. Anyway, it was all supposed to connect, and lead to a "missing moment" between Noel and Serah. I hope I did it well, and that it makes sense. LOL. But I do like seeing Serah's feelings on everything. It was touched on in the game, but I would have liked to see it more so (though it probably is in a part I haven't gotten to yet).**

**Also, believe it or not, this isn't a pairing piece. It might seem that way with Noel/Serah, but it wasn't intentional. This is more of a Serah piece (like my "Frozen with the Forecast"). And you can see I had a bit of Snow/Serah in here, so I wasn't being biased (I like both pairings). I was just trying to keep this canon. LOL. The only reason this is in the XIII-2 section is because Noel and Serah are in this story the most (and Noel's not in XIII).**

**And I apologize if any of the XIII-2 quotes were off. I tried to look them up online, but couldn't find them. I then had to resort to writing them from memory (that live trigger, though awesome, is going to make it hard to find the quotes you want in the long run). Anyway, I think the quotes are close enough, but I apologize for any inaccuracy. Or any inaccuracy on the game. Like I said, I still haven't finished XIII-2. LOL. I'm still early on in the game. So please don't post spoilers in reviews.**

**Oh! Back to the quotes. If you know the exact quote of something, and want me to change it, by all means let me know! I'd love to make the quotes exact, but for now this will have to do because I couldn't find them. But if you're awesome and can, go ahead. LOL. **

**And at the risk of sounding like a broken record, happy birthday again, Josh! LOL. Love you.**

**-Shanna**


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